Avarice

Zoned for Avarice

Everyone wants more Avarice Punishments…you’ll just have to wait until this one evolves.

Jerky City

This mildest of punishments for Avaricious SOULs teaches them a grotesque lesson about greed.  The Demons in these cities have rigged it (don’t ask me how) so that everything a SOUL touches turns into processed meats.  It’s sort of a Midas touch gone horribly, horribly wrong.  The most valued items in the cities are those that no one has touched, but the greedy natures of the Damned eventually get the better of them, so nothing stays de-meated for very long.  All in all, it’s a pretty pathetic sight, and with the constant oppressive heat, these places stink to high Heaven, too.

Bingoslypertukaw!

Bingoslypertukaw is sorta like Bingo, except that:
1)  There’re 15 columns.
2)  There’re 23 billion numbers.
3)  The only way to mark your cards is with bodily fluids.
4)  There isn’t a board that keeps track of what’s been called, and if you mess up, they’ll cut off a limb.

But the prizes are really neat.  And sometimes, they give away a “Get Out Of Hell Free” card.

Booty Island

When the Avaricious Damned are dropped off on these lush, tropical islands, they’re given a cutlass and a shovel, and told that somewhere on the island there’s a “Treasure Beyond All Imagining.”  If they could overcome their greedy natures, these damned SOULs could probably lead a rather pleasant afterlife amongst the luscious flora and fauna.  Tragically, their greed inevitably gets the better of them, and they soon become treasure-huntin’, swashbucklin’ pirates, just like the other poor SOULs…

Trick or Treat

In this peculiar punishment, the Avaricious Damned are forced to dress in goofy-looking costumes and wander down dark, suburban streets, begging for food.  If they’re lucky enough to get a “treat,” it’ll undoubtedly be spiked with razor blades or ebola viruses.  When, however, they stumble upon houses that prefer “tricks,” they’re met by a shower of boiling oil, or the ever-popular chainsaw-to-the-face gag.  Why do they go on?  Partly because of the whip-cracking Demons, no doubt, but also because there’s a rumor that one house, somewhere, is giving out “Get Out of Hell Free” cards.

The Wrong Side of the Tracks

Even Hell has the proverbial “Bad Side of Town,” where even Demons fear to tread after dark.  Life is pretty cheap on these mean streets, and afterlife even cheaper.  The Avaricious SOULs trapped in these urban cesspools eventually turn to a life of brutal crime, hoping to make the “Big Score” that’ll buy their way out of the ‘hood.  But that score never comes…ever.

You Bet Your Afterlife

In Heaven, game shows are cerebral, fun, and played for fantabulous prizes that are given away to charity.
In Hell, game shows are inane, degrading, rigged, disturbingly preoccupied with entry wounds, and no one ever wins the Big Prize (a “Get Out of Hell Free” card).

Shock Market

The sounds most definitively associated with the Shock Market Towers of Hell are the constant gentle tipperings of the ticker-tape, punctuated every few seconds by the scream-splat of another Damned broker hurtling himself from the rail-less balconies on the 58th floor.  Of course, the Damned don’t die when they hit bottom, they just hurt a lot.  Then they can start all over, greedily trying to amass a “fortune” so that they can “buy their way out” of Hell.  Naturally, that trick never works.

Carousels of Greed

The Avaricious Damned condemned to spend eternity in these monstrous merry-go-rounds are led to believe that their freedom lies in the collection of brass rings that dangle tantalizingly out of reach along the circumference of the ride.  Unfortunately, these capricious carousels differ from the run-of-the-mill variety in several important ways.  First of all, the ride is spinning at about 200 kilometers per hour, and is given to sudden, bone-shattering stoppages.  Secondly, even if a SOUL does manage to get his fingers on a brass ring, they’re covered with acid.  Thirdly (and this is the most important part), the animals on these merry-go-rounds are real, carnivorous, and not at all happy about having a pole stuck up their backs.

Seizure’s Palace

The casinos in Hell cheat (well, duh), driving the Avaricious Damned to the brink of ultimate winnings before crashing them into near bankruptcy, over and over again.  At least they’ve got a nice breakfast buffet…

Scavenger Hunt

Hell produces one heck of a lot of garbage.  Fortunately (or unfortunately, depending upon your point of view), the Demons have put all that waste to good use, via the nefarious Scavenger Hunts.
Here’s how it works: the Avaricious Damned are unceremoniously dumped into mammoth bins of garbage, and are given a list of items to procure.  They’re told that if they find the items, they’ll be let out of Hell.  Sounds pretty easy, right?  Oh yeah, I forgot: their hands are tied behind their backs, so they have to chew their way through the garbage.

DisCorp

Nothing brings out the worst in people like a neverending round of office politics, which is why DisCorp is the ultimate punishment for Avaricious SOULs.  The damned all start in the DisCorp mail room, then spend thousands of years backstabbing, buttkissing, and sleeping their way to a cozy vice-presidential position, only to be demoted back to the mail room by DisCorp’s capriciously whimsical Demon CEO.

Charity

Zoned for Charity

With luck, this bit of real estate will soon evolve into an out-and-out Charity Reward.

You Are Already A Winner

The most insignificant of Rewards for Charitable SOULs turns them into instant winners of fabulous prizes, which are spread out over an infinite-year period.  Best of all, the prizes AREN’T presented by some cheesy second-banana entertainer.

Lost and Found

One of the curses of mortality is that we are forever losing things.  Money, marbles, sanity, innocence…it all seems to get misplaced over the years.  In Heaven, Charitable SOULs can find everything they’ve ever lost just by looking for it… under a seat cushion, or behind a desk, or buried out in the backyard.  It’s all there, waiting to be found.

The Good Space

In Heaven, just like on television, you can always find a good parking space with plenty of time left on the meter.

The Incredibly Lost Episodes

In Heaven, there’re all-new episodes of all your favorite television shows, forever.  No one’s quite sure how this got to be a reward for Charitable SOULs, but who can second-guess the Powers That Be?

Spinner of Incredibly Good Fortune

The Spinner of Incredibly Good Fortune is Heaven’s game show, where Charitable SOULs try to win spectacular, non-sucky prizes for their favorite charities.  Thanks to the wonder of HeavenTech, everyone goes home a winner, and no one is stuck with the crappy home version of the game.

Flea Market

Every day, the Charitable Blessed can find surprisingly useful and inexpensive knick-knacks and curios at these sprawling flea markets…rumor has it that tattered copies of the Secret of Life have been found amongst the millions of card tables, boxes, and pickup trucks lining the aisles of these complexes…

SOULs Finding Secret Of Life
Tables Without A Sale

Land of the Lost Toys

Every beloved toy you’ve ever lost can be found here, along with every toy you ever wanted, but couldn’t have.  You’d be surprised how long a SOUL can play with toys without getting bored…

Proustian Recollections Triggered
Disputes Over Sharing

The Bazaar

The Bazaars of Heaven are a shopper’s paradise.  Under the jillions of open-air tents, the Blessed can find everything from sun-dried manna to blind Angels who’ll tell them one of the many secrets of the Universe.

New Shops Per Week
Sore Feet

Happy Birthday!

It’s a sad fact of life that most of us don’t get our fair allotment of five-star, over-the-top, utterly decadent birthday parties.  In Heaven, this inequity is rectified in the Happy Birthday! zones, where (as you’ve probably guessed) it’s always someone’s birthday, and everyone’s invited.

The Final Piece Convention

Most collector’s conventions have the same old stuff for the same high prices that you’ve seen a hundred times before.  At the Final Piece Conventions (which are held in sumptuous and economically-priced hotels) though, a Charitable SOUL can always find that last card, comic, doll, or trinket that will make his collection complete; and he’ll always be able to get it for a reasonable price.

Different Conventions Held Last Week
Autogrpah Mob Scenes Last Year

Casino Royale

The Afterlife Gaming Commission has certified that the Casino Royale has the loosest slots in the known universe, but that’s not the only reason that Charitable SOULs think so highly of these upscale hotels.  There’s also a scrumptious breakfast buffet and a neverending floor show that has to be seen to be believed.

Jackpots per Night
Unusually Long Unlucky Streaks

Ascetic Mountains

The ultimate Rewards for Charitable SOULs are the Ascetic Mountains.  Here, unburdened by the weight of worldy possessions, a SOUL can blissfully spend eternity contemplating the mysteries of the universe.

Envy

Zoned for Envy

If you haven’t screwed things up, a dreary little Envy Punishment should be bubbling up here within a few years.

Deadman’s Curve

Popular music aside, there is no such thing as a “Highway To Hell.”  There are, however, plenty of highways IN Hell.  They’re used to punish Envious SOULs who just can’t be satisfisfied with what they have.  When the Damned arrive, they’re given a clunky old rental car (with no stereo or air conditioning, of course), an out-of-date map, and vague directions that will supposedly lead them out of Hell.  Once they hit good ol’ Route 666, though, they’ll be permanently stuck in a neverending logjam of commuter traffic.  If they could just sit still, they’d probably be okay, but their envious natures cause them to switch lanes at the drop of a hat, snarling traffic even further.

Out of the Frying Pan

“June 23rd — Frying pan hotter than I remember.  Going to jump.  Maybe fire will be cooler this time.”

“June 24th — I was wrong.  Demons laughed as my hair ignited.  I’ll never make THAT mistake again.”

“June 25th — Demons have put me back in the pan.  It’s hotter than I remember.  Maybe I should jump.”

– “Diaries of the Damned”
Mephisto Press

Flaming Bellyflops per hour
Spatula Mishaps per annum

Another Man’s Shoes

Important Life Lesson #546: Be careful what you wish for.  The Envious SOULs imprisoned in these little slices of Hell spent their discontented lives muttering, “Man, I’d love to be in HIS shoes,” never realizing that demons were listening to their petty whinings.  Now, they spend eternity LITERALLY imprisoned in another man’s smelly, unsanitary footware.

Limbs Eaten Away By Athlete’s Foot
Broken Laces Per Year

Survey of the Damned

For eons now, the Demons of Hell have been trying to find out if Heaven’s all it’s cracked up to be.  To this end they’ve enlisted (or, if you prefer, “enslaved”) the Envious Damned to do a telephone survey of Heaven.  Naturally, having to spend eternity conversing with SOULs who are infinitely happier than they are is tremendously excruciating to these poor schmucks, but hey, that’s Hell…

Percentage of SOULs in Heaven who say they’re “Estatic”
Hell-Wide Phone System Crashes Per Month

Very Southgate Mall

These low-rent malls tend to pop up all over Hell, adding a tacky flavor to an already dreary place.  Locked inside, the Envious Damned are forced to forever shuffle from crummy store to even crummier store, dealing with nasty demonic salespeople, ill-fitting shoes, intolerable piped-in music, and a food court whose most palatable confection is Rat-On-A-Stick.

Ampitheatres of Anguish

Whatever your least favorite form of music, bagpipes, accordians, Euro-beat faux rock, rap, or lame-o 70′s guitar bands, the Ampitheatres of Anguish will be featuring it…constantly.

Welcome to Your Flightmare

Submitted for your approval:  An Envious SOUL boards a plane.  The demon sitting next to him has halitosis and wants to sell him a set of gold-plated lawn jockeys.  He moves to another seat, only to be confronted with a little old lady demon who is strangely compelled to tell the life stories of her 234 grandchildren to anyone within a two-meter radius.  He switches seats again and again, only to be confronted with an infinite barrage of boring, obnoxious demons.  Return your minds to their fully locked and upright positions, and remember to put your sanity into the overhead storage compartment; you’ve just entered…Hell.

Octoplex 666

Remember that scene in “A Clockwork Orange” where Malcolm McDowell was being forced to watch a seemingly neverending series of violent and pointless movies?

This is infinitely worse.  And the popcorn sucks.

Switchback Mountains

To those of us without an envious bone in our bodies, the Switchback Mountains must seem like a real lightweight punishment.  When SOULs arrive, they’re told to wait in one of several lines at the base of a huge mountain.  Through the magic of Helltech, it always appears as though the line adjacent to a given SOUL is moving faster than its own.  This leads to line-jumping, fistfights, and utter chaos.  The truth is, if a SOUL could just manage to be content with the speed of its assigned line, it’d reach the top of the mountain (and freedom) within a year.  As it is, most SOULs spend thousands of years looking for the “perfect” line.

NoBody Burgs

Sometimes the Demons of Hell expend a wee bit too much effort in their pursuit of a meaningful punishment.  Take, for example, the baroque torments of the NoBody Burgs.  When the Envious Damned arrive in these odd little hamlets, they’re fitted with specially-designed, ultra-expensive, totally-unremovable Envy Ray Goggles, which work something like this:

Step 1.  Goggled SOUL #1 spots goggled SOUL #2.  SOUL #1 becomes envious of SOUL #2, because SOUL #2 doesn’t have nearly as many disfiguring scars as SOUL #1.
Step 2.  SOUL #1′s Envy Ray Goggles, detecting SOUL #1′s envious thoughts, emit powerful green Envy Rays from its eye sockets towards the helpless SOUL #2.
Step 3.  SOUL #2′s Envy Ray Goggles, having similarly detected SOUL #1′s envious thoughts, perform an electrical mind swap between SOUL #1 and SOUL #2.
Step 4.  SOUL #1′s mind arrives in SOUL #2′s body.  SOUL #1 is happy to find that it suddenly has fewer disfiguring scars than it used to.
Step 5.  The powerful green Envy Rays catch up to SOUL #2′s body, hideously disfiguring it.  SOUL #1, now trapped in an even more twisted and painful body than before, mentally kicks himself in the butt, and reminds himself not to do THAT again.  Until SOUL #3 comes along…

As these bizarre towns fill up, they become little more than grody piles of mangled, screaming flesh, punctuated every couple of seconds by a nasty “zap” sound.

Elevators, Inc.

These strange, towering skyscrapers are made up almost entirely of elevators:  crowded, stinky elevators with deafening piped-in music.  The Envious Damned are free to move about from elevator to elevator, but each new elevator is MORE crowded, STINKIER, and LOUDER than the previous one.  Rumors of an express elevator to Heaven abound, but no one’s ever seen it.

Escher Pits

The Escher Pits stretch the old “Out of the Frying Pan, Into the Fire” conundrum to an absurdly infinite degree.  On the face of it, they look like ordinary, if somewhat elaborate, torture chambers.  There’re racks, thumbscrews, tapes of Regis and Kathie Lee, you know: The Usual.  Upon closer inspection, one finds that this is not your everyday house of pain.
For one thing, no SOUL is being tormented in the same manner as his neighbor.  This leads the Envious Damned to think that they’ve got it worse off than the poor suckers next to them.
Secondly, the Damned are allowed to switch places with their neighbors every few days. Since they’re Envious buggers by nature, they inevitably choose to make the switch, convinced that they’ll be better off.
Lastly (and this is the tricky, paradoxical, part), whenever a SOUL chooses to switch torments, the new torment is ALWAYS worse than the previous one.  It’s a Moebius Strip of pain!

Contentment

Zoned for Contentment

Someday, this little slice of Heaven will grow up to be a full-fledged Contentment Reward.

Vacation Slides of the Gods

Unlike most slide shows, the Vacation Slides of the Gods just get more and more interesting with each ethereal <ka-click> of the projector button.  And since it’s Heaven, none of the slides are upside-down or out of focus.

“Wows,” “Kewls,” and “Awws”
Politely Stifled Yawns

The Good Neighbor

In Heaven, the grass is ALWAYS greener on your side of the fence, and even though your neighbor is happy, you don’t envy him.

Block Parties
Unreturned Power Tools

Coffee Shops of the Word

These crowded little bistros offer Contented SOULs the chance to express their long-buried poetic natures to an always-appreciative audience of Angels.  When the cherubs snap their fingers, you can almost touch infinity, man.

Karaoke Korners

Some SOULs don’t want to sing in a choir, but want their voices to be heard, nonetheless.  Here in these quiet little watering holes of Heaven, the Contented Blessed can sing their little hearts out, secure in the knowledge that, for four or five minutes at a time, theirs will be the most beautiful voice in the world.

Rousing Sing-a-Longs Per Evening
Repeated Songs Per Evening

Newbody Knows

In these gold-trimmed complexes, the SOULs of the Contented are allowed to choose and discard their bodies like they were clothing.  Typically, most SOULs will settle for an idealized version of their mortal self, but a few SOULs will use the opportunity to explore the infinite complexity of the humanoid form.

Distinct Eye Colors (In Millions)
SOULs at Parties Wearing The Same Body

Seventh Heaven Stretch

In Heaven, no one is picked last, and everyone eventually gets a game-winning hit, touchdown, basket, goal, or strike.

Records Broken Yesterday
Labor Disputes

The Choir Invincible

In these massive choirs, even the most off-key and timid of SOULs will eventually sing like, well, an Angel.
And everyone, and I mean EVERYONE, gets to sing a solo every now and then.

High C’s per Day
Fleeting Moments of Disharmony

Hoofer’s Heavens

Every SOUL in the Hoofer’s Heaven has been given the gift of dance; not just the usual varieties of dancing, like ballet, tap, and so forth, but dancing as communication.  The SOULs have such fine control over their bodies that they no longer speak, except through dance.

Final Curtain Theatres

Every night, without fail, the Final Curtain Theatres put on another brilliant production of some completely new show.  And every night, another Blessed SOUL becomes a star.

Tear-Jerking Soliloquies per Week
Missed Cues per Month

Envy Aid

The Envy Aid concerts have been bouncing around Heaven, in one form or another, since sentients began rhythmically banging sticks together and calling it “music.”  These neverending shows feature the most musically gifted SOULs ever to pluck, strum, blow, beat, or shake an instrument, which alone would be enough to make them pretty darn cool.  But since this is Heaven, the Contented Blessed are encouraged to join the performers onstage, where they quickly discover that they’re just as talented as their musical idols.  Jammin!

Encores Per Evening
Unnecessary Sound Checks

A Musement Park

Muses are fairly difficult to come by in the waking world, and even harder to capture.  In Heaven, though, muses hang out in Musement Parks, inspiring Contented SOULs to artistic heights undreamt of by mortal minds.

Entirely New Art FormsCreated
Bad Reviews

Bovine Bliss Ranch

Anyone who’s ever looked deeply into the eyes of a cow knows the truth; cows are the single most blissed-out creatures in all of creation.  On the B.B.B. Ranches, this characteristic is taken to its logicial endpoint, as Contented SOULs are allowed to live out their afterlives as happy, cud-chewing cows.  MoooOOOoooo.

Banks

The Flying Piggy Bank

After many of Creation’s earliest Demiurges complained about how difficult it was to make bold development strides without going severely into debt, the Powers That Be began giving Demiurges access to various lending institutions.
In Heaven, all loans are repayable over 100 years, with modest interest rates.  Since everyone’s nice in Heaven they’ll take IOUs in lieu of loan payments, but a novice Demiurge still runs the risk of going into insurmountable debt by taking out too many loans.

The Flying Piggy Banks are authorized to hand out loans of up to one million Pennies From Heaven.

Eternal Trust Savings and Loan

After many of Creation’s earliest Demiurges complained about how difficult it was to make bold development strides without going severely into debt, the Powers That Be began giving Demiurges access to various lending institutions.
In Heaven, all loans are repayable over 100 years, with modest interest rates.  Since everyone’s nice in Heaven they’ll take IOUs in lieu of loan payments, but a novice Demiurge still runs the risk of going into insurmountable debt by taking out too many loans.
Each branch of the Eternal Trust Savings and Loan is authorized to loan up to ten million Pennies From Heaven to needy Demiurges.The First Warthog Banks of Hell

First Warthog Bank of Hell

After many of Creation’s earliest Demiurges complained about how difficult it was to make bold development strides without going severely into debt, the Powers That Be began giving Demiurges access to various lending institutions.
In Hell, all loans are repayable over 100 years, with zero percent interest rates.  If, however, a Demiurge defaults on a loan in Hell, the lending institution is empowered to confiscate a predetermined number of SOULs from the Demiurge’s Gates, garnishing his wages for a number of years.
The First Warthog Banks of Hell are authorized to hand out loans of up to one million Pennies From Heaven.

BH and D, Savings and Loan

After many of Creation’s earliest Demiurges complained about how difficult it was to make bold development strides without going severely into debt, the Powers That Be began giving Demiurges access to various lending institutions.
In Hell, all loans are repayable over 100 years, with zero percent interest rates.  If, however, a Demiurge defaults on a loan in Hell, the lending institution is empowered to confiscate a predetermined number of SOULs from the Demiurge’s Gates, garnishing his wages for a number of years.
Each branch of the Brimstone, Hellfire, and Damnation Savings and Loan is authorized to hand out loans of up to ten million Pennies From Heaven.

Limbo Bars

The Limbo Bar ‘n’ Grill

Very few things can keep a Lost SOUL from drifting off to another Afterlife.  One of those things is a good stiff drink (not necessarily alcoholic, but stiff nonetheless).  The Limbo Bars take advantage of this little-known fact by luring nearly-Lost SOULs into their cozy, friendly confines, where they’re entertained, fed, and basically kept distracted for months at a time.  Eventually, the SOUL stumbles out of the bar, and with luck, the Demiurge has built what the SOUL was looking for in the interim.
The Limbo Bar ‘n’ Grill is a solid investment for the Demiurge who’s concerned about the havoc that unforseen disasters can wreak upon their fragile Afterlifes.  They can entertain 15,000 SOULs a year, and have enough supplies to show for about 600,000 customers in total.

Limbo Inn

Very few things can keep a Lost SOUL from drifting off to another Afterlife.  One of those things is a good stiff drink (not necessarily alcoholic, but stiff nonetheless).  The Limbo Bars take advantage of this little-known fact by luring nearly-Lost SOULs into their cozy, friendly confines, where they’re entertained, fed, and basically kept distracted for months at a time.  Eventually, the SOUL stumbles out of the bar, and with luck, the Demiurge has built what the SOUL was looking for in the interim.

“Lament of the Lost SOUL”
(sung to the tune of one of the Afterlife’s favorite sitcoms)

“Finding your way
in the Afterlife
Takes lots of savoir faire
Sometimes incompetent
Demiurges
Forget that you are there

Don’t you just hate to drift away?

Sometimes you’d rather go
Where Angels feed you
while you wait
For someone else
to build your Fate
You don’t wanna
be a Lost SOUL,
Driftin’ towards another Gate,
You wanna be where
Angels feed you
while you wait.”

Umm, well.  The Limbo Inn has enough supplies to temporarily entertain up to 14 million nearly-Lost SOULs, and enough seating capacity to house 300,000 of them a year.

Siphons

Ad Infinitum Siphons

The Afterlife would quickly lose its appeal without a little touch of the Infinite to keep SOULs constantly happy/sad.  Without the Infinite, severed limbs wouldn’t grow back, that 403rd helping of apple pie wouldn’t taste as good as the first, and SOULs would soon grow bored with even the most pleasurable/painful of fates.  Fortunately for you, the very fabric of the Afterlife is interwoven with thin strands of the Infinite, which are more than capable of “charging” the multiple paradoxes found in the typical Afterlife.

At least, up to a point.  Ya see, the ambient Infinitum level in most afterlifes just isn’t high enough to soup up your Rewards and Punishments much past the halfway point.  If you want to run a really snazzy Afterlife, you’ll have to find some more Infinitum.

Enter the Ad Infinitum Siphon.

See those rocks, scattered hither and yon about the Afterlife?  Those rocks are infinitely heavy, man.  They’re teeming with Infinitum, just waiting to be sucked up by an Ad Infinitum Siphon like this.

Gates

Heaven’s Gate — Dante Class

The least expensive of Heaven’s Gates is also the quaintest.  In blatant defiance of modern technology, the angelic staffs of these antiquated portals meticulously go over each SOUL’s record BY HAND before allowing them entrance into Heaven.  This personal touch greatly enhances the charm of Heaven, but is terribly inefficient, which is why these Gates can only process 2,000 SOULs a year.

Heaven’s Gate — Pearl Class

Most of Heaven’s Gates are Pearl Class Gates, capable of processing 20,000 SOULs a year.  As in olden times, each SOUL is still attended to by his own personal caseworker, but the Angels at these Gates are equipped with powerful laptop computers, which speed up the virtue-tallying process by a factor of ten.

Heaven’s Gate — Throne Class

The Throne Class Gates are weird, even by Afterlife standards.  When SOULs arrive at these dizzy doorways, cheerful Angels coax them into removing their footware.  Then, the barefoot SOULs are encouraged to take  leisurely walks on the shag carpeting that covers the floor of the Gate’s waiting area.  As the SOULs walk, the Angels begin silently sorting them, like sheepdogs.  Within minutes, hundreds of SOULs are prepped for their Heavenly experience, and the Gate opens.

Of course, it’s not really that simple.  The Gate’s “shag carpeting” is really a sophisticated neuro-empathic probe, capable of reading the warp and woof of a SOUL’s life merely by probing the bottoms of its feet.  That’s right, it’s a “Sole Reader.”

Now that you’re done moaning (unless you’re playing this in a foreign language, and didn’t get the pun), it should be mentioned that Throne Class Gates, though rather eccentric, are undeniably effective.  In a pinch, they can process 200,000 SOULs a year, a darned impressive feet…er…feat.

Heaven’s Gate — Prophecy Class

Prophecy Class Gates sit on the cutting edge of SOUL processing technology, churning out a whopping 2,000,000 SOULs per annum.  This is accomplished via handheld DNA scanners, which are in constant communication with Heaven’s central database.  All an Angel has to do is wave the scanner over the head of a newly-arrived SOUL, and within seconds a fully-itemized list of that SOUL’s virtues and suggested Rewards will pop up on the viewscreen.

Hell’s Gate — Milton Class

Demons are a stubborn lot.  Although recent technological advances have made it possible to process up to 2 million SOULs a year through one infernal Gate, many Demons still prefer these intimate Milton Class Gates.  When SOULs arrive at these Gates, they’re instantly set upon by a demonic caseworker, who tallies their individual sins BY HAND before kicking the SOUL through the Gate.  Such individual attention adds immeasurably to the torments of Hell, but is horribly inefficient, which is why the Milton Class Gates can only process 2,000 SOULs a year.

Hell’s Gate — Belial Class

The most common Gate found in Hell is the Belial Class Gate, which can process 20,000 SOULs a year when pushed.  Famous for the pithy slogans inscribed on their arches (“Abandon All Hope Ye Who Enter Here,” “Today Is The First Day Of The Rest Of Your Afterlife,” “Have A Nice Day,” etc.), the Demons of these Gates utilize a big ol’ mainframe computer to tally the sins of hundreds of SOULs simultaneously.

Hell’s Gate — Obsidian Class

The Obsidian Class Gates are Hell’s first attempt at “hi-tech” SOUL processing.  The Demons who work these dank doorways claim that an ultra-top secret “Retinal Scanning Process” allows them to use a SOUL’s own eyeballs to judge its fate.

Sadly, the advanced “Retinal Scanning Process” is merely a euphamism for “one Demon holds the SOUL down while another Demon pokes it in the eye with a pointy stick.”  Still, they DO manage to process up to 200,000 SOULs a year in these infernal antechambers, so they must be doing SOMETHING right.

Hell’s Gate — Apocalypse Class

The Apocalypse Class Gates are the most streamlined Gates Hell has to offer.  Arriving SOULs are placed on a conveyor belt and run through a series of scanners, much like those one finds in an airport.  Once their sins have been scanned like so much emotional baggage, a Demon at the end of the line reads their reports and sends them on their wailing way.  With the belts cranked up at full speed, these babies can process up to 2,000,000 SOULs a year.

Karma Stations

Karma Portals

No one knows how SOULs first discovered that travelling into the unpredictable energies of the Karma Portals caused them to be reincarnated.  Perhaps it was the overzealous Demon,  throwing a Damned SOUL into the purplish energies in the hopes of inventing some new form of torture.  Maybe it was an inquisitive Angel, trying to bring more joy to a Blessed SOUL.  In any event, once the SOULs began to realize that reincarnation WAS a possibility, the worms were effectively out of the can.  Ever since that day, Demons and Angels have struggled to transport SOULs to these transdimensional doorways, with varying degrees of success.

SOUL Mover Karma Station

In the olden days, reincarnation was a tricky matter.  SOULs who wanted to reincarnate out of Heaven were scooped up by angels, flown down to Karma Portals, and chucked into their swirling nexii of transdimensional energies.  As eternity dragged on, the flaws of this system became painfully evident.  For one thing, larger Heavens required legions of Angels to keep up with reincarnation demands.  Even worse, the volatile energies of the Karma Portals would occasionally swallow up the Angels along with the SOULs, causing all kinds of paperwork problems.  Eventually, a supremely fed-up batch of Angels and Demons got together and devised a modular, expandable mass transport system capable of carrying large numbers of SOULs to Karma Portals without putting Angels or Demons at risk.  The first vehicles to travel along these “Karma Tracks” were dubbed “SOUL Movers,” and were hailed by the Powers That Be as a “miracle of modern technology.”

Magic Bus Karma Station

SOUL Movers may have been a “miracle of modern technology” when originally introduced, but they’re downright quaint by today’s standards of reincarnation transportation.  Magic Busses, a familiar sight for the past couple eons, are capable of travelling twice as fast, while holding five times as many SOULs, as a typical SOUL Mover tram.  And with their distinctive, double-decker style, they’re not half the eyesore of those crusty old trams, either.

Omnirail Karma Station

The latest breakthrough in reincarnation transportation technology is the development of the “Omnirail,” a bullet train capable of moving at nigh-infinite speeds while carrying thousands of SOULs.  Sure, they make an obnoxious honking sound every now and then, but that’s the price we pay for progress, no?

Karma Track Anchor (Heaven)

Karma Track is pretty interesting stuff.  Capable of carrying the various trams, busses and trains that speed reincarnating SOULs towards Karma Portals, it nevertheless floats serenely between Heaven and Hell, seemingly unaffected by the emotional gravity of either realm.
Of course, a lot of effort goes into keeping this particular miracle afloat.  Each length of Karma Track laid down requires a Karma Track Anchor like this one at each corner.  These anchors project Bad Vibes down to the supported track, keeping it from floating  up to Heaven, as it normally would.

Karma Track Anchor (Hell)

Karma Track is pretty interesting stuff.  Capable of carrying the various trams, busses and trains that speed reincarnating SOULs towards Karma Portals, it nevertheless floats serenely between Heaven and Hell, seemingly unaffected by the emotional gravity of either realm.
Of course, a lot of effort goes into keeping this particular miracle afloat.  Each length of Karma Track laid down requires a Karma Track Anchor like this one at each corner.  These anchors project Good Vibes up to the supported track, keeping it from crashing down to Hell, as it normally would.

Training Centres

Community Colleges of the Clouds

The Community Colleges of the Clouds are low-intensity, low-yield Angel Training Centers.  Their motto is “If You’ve Gotta Head, We’ve Gotta Halo,” and they’ve been living up to that credo for centuries, methodically training even the densest of SOULs until they’ve earned their wings.

Seraphim State Colleges

The staid, ivy-covered walls of the Seraphim State campuses hide a beehive of activity.  Inside, Blessed SOULs are being rigorously trained by some of Heaven’s most respected Angels, in an effort to earn their halos.  Some take years to graduate.  Others give up, and settle for an eternity of joy in Heaven.

Halo Institutes of Technology

The Halo Institutes of Technology (or “HalTechs”) produce more highly-trained Angels faster than any other insitution in Heaven.  There is, however, a price.  The HalTech students often lead lives of geeky isolation as they attempt to cram eons of angelic wisdom/trivia into their tiny little heads.  This dweeby lifestyle often causes HalTech Angels to be abysmally lacking in social skills, a condition that is only alleviated as they graduate and enter “The Real World.”

The Burning Annex

These low-pressure, low-yield dormitories train Damned SOULs for the duties of Demonhood in a laidback, casual manner.  To earn their wings, trainees are merely required to attend six months worth of “Demon Workshops,” and complete a multiple-choice test that’s only slightly more difficult than the one at your local Department of Motor Vehicles.  Burning Annex graduates are openly mocked by Hell’s other Demons.

Hellward Bound Retreats

More grueling than the wimpy Burning Annex Centers, yet less sadistic than the horrifying Cloven Boot Camps, the Hellward Bound Retreats are the “unhappy medium” of Hell’s Demonic Training Centers.  In these intensive 3-month retreats, prospective Demons are taken in small teams into the harsh, chaosplastic wildernesses beyond Hell, and left to fend for themselves.  Those SOULs that survive are given wings, horns, a pitchfork, and a job.  Those that don’t are sent back into the Pit.

Cloven Boot Camps

When you need a LOT of Demons, the Cloven Boot Camps will give ‘em to you… just be sure not to ask how they do it.  Everyone in Hell suspects these Training Centers of employing archaic, sadistic brainwashing techniques to churn out legions of tough-as-nails Demons.  Curiously, no one ever blows the whistle on them, no matter how many mangled SOULs (euphemistically referred to as “rejected applicants”) wash up on the roads of Hell.  Maybe that’s because “whistle blowers” tend to disappear in Hell…

Ports

Heaven Port — Earhart Class

Even at their narrowest, the rivers of Heaven resist all attempts at bridge-building, forcing those that would ford the deceptively placid streams to seek out the services of Heaven’s ferries, skiffs, and barges.
The Earhart Class Ports are the quaintest of Heaven’s ports, capable of ferrying a mere 50,000 SOULs a year.  Still, a supremely well-managed Heaven should be able to get by with utilizing only these humble wharfs.

Heaven Port –  Morrison Class

Even at their narrowest, the rivers of Heaven resist all attempts at bridge-building, forcing those that would ford the deceptively placid streams to seek out the services of Heaven’s ferries, skiffs, and barges.
The Morrison Class Ports are more ambitious than the Earhart Ports, but still maintain the rustic New England charm of their smaller counterparts.

Heaven Port — Kaufman Class

Even at their narrowest, the rivers of Heaven resist all attempts at bridge-building, forcing those that would ford the deceptively placid streams to seek out the services of Heaven’s ferries, skiffs, and barges.
The Kaufman Class Ports have sacrificed most of the cutesy charm of Heaven’s smaller Ports in favor of sleek, modern efficiency.  Using radical advances in Holohalotechnology, these Ports are capable of ferrying up to 2,000,000 SOULs across Heaven’s rivers every year.  Unfortunately, their clam chowder is downright inedible, but that’s the price of progress.

Hell Port — Copperfield Class

Numerous attempts have been made to build bridges over Hell’s stagnant, stinky rivers.  Each of them has met with defeat, destructions, and other words that begin with “d”.  Until such time as this little problem is solved, Demiurges such as yourself will have to rely on ferries, skiffs, and barges to transport the Damned across Hell’s rivers.
The Copperfield Class Ports are the simplest of Hell’s ports, capable of shuttling a trifling 50,000 SOULs across Hell’s flaming fjords.  Although very little in Hell can be described as “quaint,” there is something undeniably nostalgic about the way the ferrymen of these ports haggle over the price of passage.

Hell Port — Bono Class

Numerous attempts have been made to build bridges over Hell’s stagnant, stinky rivers.  Each of them has met with defeat, destructions, and other words that begin with “d”.  Until such time as this little problem is solved, Demiurges such as yourself will have to rely on ferries, skiffs, and barges to transport the Damned across Hell’s rivers.
The Bono Class Ports are a lot like the Copperfield Ports, but without the charm.  By eliminating the inefficient barter-for-passage system, these ports have jacked their yearly capacity up to 200,000 SOULs.

Hell Port –  Ezsterhaus Class

Numerous attempts have been made to build bridges over Hell’s stagnant, stinky rivers.  Each of them has met with defeat, destructions, and other words that begin with “d”.  Until such time as this little problem is solved, Demiurges such as yourself will have to rely on ferries, skiffs, and barges to transport the Damned across Hell’s rivers.
Truthfully, the Ezsterhaus Ports are pretty much the same as the Bono Ports…just a lot bigger.  Then again, imagination is not one of Hell’s strong suits.

Omnibolges and Love Domes

are the arcology equivalents

Love Domes — Lincoln Division

A long time ago, in an Afterlife far, far away, there was a Heaven of unparalleled majesty and efficiency.  All of creation sang its praises, for it was the most wonderous thing ever to be seen on the astral plane.  One morning, at about 7:23 AM, the combined joy and rapture of that Heaven caused the whole realm to spontaneously ascend to  an altogether new plane of existence, leaving behind only a relatively small, glowing globe to mark its passage.
The Powers That Be marvelled at the globe.  Although it appeared to be mere astral detritus, a closer examination revealed that it remained a fully-functioning, remarkably compact Heaven.

“This is so cool,” thought the PTB.

As time marched on, and more Heavens ascended, the Powers That Be began collecting the leftover globes (now called “Love Domes” for some unfathomable reason), and selling them to upper-class Demiurges like yourself.  They’re the ultimate Afterlife status symbol; they require no upkeep, they look pretty, and they can process metric buttloads of SOULs simultaneously.  Neat, eh?
The most common type of Love Dome are the Lincoln Division Domes.  These can only hold 250 million SOULs at a time, because they were formed by Heavens that prematurely ascended (and we all know how embarassing that can be).  Although they’re definitely the “weak sister” of the Love Domes, they’re still stunningly beautiful.

Love Domes — Kirby Division

Before this Omniverse came into being, there existed another one.  Trust me on this.

This previous Omniverse was similar to the one we’re familiar with in many ways.  There were planets, stars, galaxies, pan-dimensional beings named Kate, and even baseball games (though they never even CONSIDERED implimenting the designated hitter rule).  As with our Omniverse, their sentient beings had SOULs, and these SOULs journeyed to their respective afterlifes when their days were done.
One day, at around 7:23 in the morning, the previous Omniverse died.  No one knows for sure how it happened, but many who were there blame it on “that darn Henderson kid.”  In any event, the Heavens of that previous Omniverse instantly overflowed, caved in under the sudden weight of collective bliss, and quietly “blooped” out of reality, leaving nothing to remember them by except for a pile of glowing green globes.

The Powers That Be examined the globes, and found out that, despite their greatly diminished size, they were still fully-functioning Heavens.  “Cool,” they solemnly intoned, then put the globes up in the top shelf of their cupboard.  Then, after a few dozen stiff drinks, they set about the task of creating a new Omniverse…ours.
Eons later, one of the PTB noticed the globes while dusting, and decided to start selling them to Demiurges with too many Pennies.  After giving them a classy (if nonsensical) name, they sold like hotcakes.

The Love Dome preferred by many demiurges is the Kirby Dome, which can fully process up to 500 million SOULs.

Love Domes — Lennon Division

Imagination is a very powerful force on the astral plane.  Every now and then, a Heaven will simply “Imagine” itself out of existence, leaving behind nothing but a relatively small green glowing globe.

These globes (dubbed “Love Domes” for reasons which no sane being has been able to understand) are collected by the Powers That Be and sold to ultra-powerful Demiurges like yourself.  They fetch a pretty penny on the open market, because even though they LOOK like mere objects d’art, they’re actually self-contained, fully-functioning “Heavens within a Heaven,” capable of processing more SOULs than can be comfortably fathomed without a good strong cup of tea.

The largest of the Love Domes are the Lennon Domes.  These squat wonders can take on a whopping one billion SOULs at a time.

Omnibolges — Sh’Elm Division

As you might imagine, a lot of intolerant, hypocritical bigots wind up in Hell.  And since Hell DOESN’T discriminate based on race, religion, gender, sexual orientation, eye color, or whether you think Kirk is better than Picard, this can cause a lot of friction, especially as Hell gets more and more crowded.

Sometimes, the vicious, intolerant, and hateful SOULs of a particularly mismanaged Hell will throw off their shackles and begin beating the snot out of each other in a chaotic, apocalyptic war between hundreds of millions of evil, evil SOULs.   In these cases, if the Demiurge of that Hell doesn’t quickly restore order, the weight of all that evil, concentrated on one battlefield, causes the Hell to collapse upon itself, leaving a relatively tiny cone (called an “Omnibolge”) in its wake.  Omnibolges are popular among successful Demiurges like yourself because, despite their tiny size, they’re fully-functioning “Hells within a Hell,” capable of fully processing millions upon millions of Damned SOULs at a time.

The Sh’Elm Division Omnibolges are jokingly referred to as the “Baby Bolges,” because they can only hold 250 million SOULs at a time.  Still, that’s more than twenty times the capacity of the largest Fate Structure, so it’s nothing to sneeze at.

Omnibolges — B’Nuchana Division

Once in a blue moon, a bloated, overcrowded Hell experiences an inexplicable and catastrophic wave of xenophobia.  Blinded by the scapegoating rhetoric of demagogical Demons, these Hells begin to consruct vast, circular walls around themselves, in a pitiful attempt to keep out unwanted “outsiders.”  As each new wall proves as ineffective as the last, the Demons urge the Damned SOULs to build even thicker walls.
Inevitably, the landscapes of these Hells become entirely dominated by fences, walls, and other barriers.  The Damned, who once roamed freely over their particular plane of Hell, become prisoners of their own paranoia, packed like evil sardines behind their stupid, futile walls.  Eventually, the density of all those evil, scaredy-cat SOULs crowded into one tiny area becomes too much for the astral fabric to bear, and the Hell collpases into itself like a black hole, sucking the Damned down to a new, unexplored plane of misery.  All that’s left of these failed Hells are huge, multidimensional black cones, which the Powers That Be have called “Omnibolges,” because it sounds so cool.  Omnibolges have proven to be very popular with upper-class Demiurges such as yourself; as tremendously compact, fully-functioning remnants of a completely developed Hell, they can process up to 1 billion SOULs at a time.

The B’Nuchana Division Omnibolges, widely regarded as the “classic” Omnibolge, can hold up to 500 million SOULs.

Omnibolges — R’Dee Division

On rare occasions, a mysterious, charismatic leader shows up in a Hell, and begins preaching to the Damned, telling them that he (and he alone) knows the way out of Hell.  His message is comforting, almost hypnotic, and the Damned fall for it every time.  Soon, hundreds of millions of Damned SOULs are following him down the bony boulevards of Hell, hanging on his every word.  Then, at a curiously empty patch of astral real estate, the preacher stops, and snaps his fingers.  Instantly, the fabric of the Hell is torn asunder, and the preacher stands revealed as a pandimensional Uber-Demon from the lower depths (who, curiously, is almost invariably named “Jim”).

As Jim chows down on millions of terrified SOULs, the weight of his pandimensional presence begins to cause the Hell to collapse inward upon itself, leaving nothing but a tiny cone to mark its passing.  These cones (called “Omnibolges” by those in the know) fetch high prices at demiurgical auctions, since they’re nothing less than extremely compact, fully-functioning “Hells within a Hell,” capable of processing millions upons millions of SOULs at a time.

The R’Dee Division Omnibolges are the creme de la creme of Omnibolges, capable of holding a stupefying one billion SOULs at a time.

Topias

The 100,000 Penny Pyramid

When a Demiurge needs angelic housing slapped together in a hurry, he can’t do any better than a 100,000 Penny Pyramid.  Constructed from large, prefabricated sheets of Cloud 9 Brand Canvas, and held aloft by Tent Pegs of Light, these cities efficiently meet the labor needs of the beginning divine planner.

After Hour Weinie Roasts
Tent Peg Collapses

Bahb’s Crystal Cities

No one knows who Bahb was, but eons ago his designs for these simple, economical, angelic cities were found under a bucket of manna.  Angels, being a curious, productive lot, immediately built a prototype city based on Bahb’s sketches.  They were so entranced with the results, which vibrate mellifluously with the beating of each angelic wing, that the Crystal Cities soon became a mainstay of Heaven.

Coincidental Concertos
Unfortunate Dischords

Pin City

How many Angels can fit on the head of a pin?
100,000…and comfortably, I might add.

Dances Held Per Annum
Accidentally Pricked Halos

Castles On A Cloud

If you’ve got a lot of Pennies, and a huge angelic labor force, then you might want to consider purchasing the ultimate in angelic Utopias:  the Castle On A Cloud.  Capable of housing a million Angels in unparalled serenity, and spreading Good Vibes for miles around, these castles are the perfect status symbol for the Demiurge who’s got it, and wants to flaunt it.

T.O.U.M.s

Demons, as a rule, loathe the Damned, and want to have as little contact with them as inhumanly possible.  That’s why all of their city-structures (what we call “Distopias”) incorporate some sort of anti-gravity device…they don’t want their living quarters even touching the same mud that the Damned wallow in.
The most primitive of these Distopias are the Towers of Unfortunate Missteps.  The TOUMs represent Hell’s first attempt to totally disconnect the Demons from the Damned.  As you can see, they only figured out the principles of anti-gravity towards the very end of the construction phase.  Once the zero-g sphere was erected, the strange, jutting tower that was supposed to house thousands of Demons was quickly abandoned.

Palaces of Pincer Peril

Once the concept of anti-gravity had been conquered by the snooty Demons, they set about building Distopias that would totally distance them from the hated SOULs of the Damned.  A design that became favored among working-class Demons was the Palace of Pincer Peril.  The Palaces were slightly flawed, requiring stabilizing pincers to keep the floating cities in place, but all agreed that they were vastly superior to the dunderheaded mistakes of the past.

N.U. Spheres of Despair

The penultimate Distopias are the Nearly Unfettered Spheres of Despair.  These cities have more “contact-free” housing than just about any other kind of Distopia, and can hold more Demons than you can shake a stick at (although I wouldn’t recommend shaking a stick at a Demon under any circumstances).

Eye Scream Cities

Eye Scream Cities represent the pinnacle of Demonic architecture.  Capped by a horrifying eyeball that spreads Bad Vibes to anything within sight, the entire Distopia floats dozens of yards above the plane of Hell, allowing hundreds of thousands of Demons to live in comfort, unsoiled by the madding crowd below.

Landscaping

Heaven’s River

Things you should know about the rivers that run through Heaven:

1. They’re Utterly Unpollutable.  Angels have been dumping Heavenly waste in them for eons, but it all just washes away.
2.  They’re Totally Potable.  SOULs on their way to their Final Reward often stop along the banks of the river to chug a few litres of these vision-inducing waters.
3.  They’re Way Wide.  Too wide to swim across.  That’s why SOULs must be ferried from shore to shore.

Mystic Visions Per Week
“Yellow Rivers” Per Month
[These dualities are attached to some of the descriptions, but are not present in the game. I presume they were part of some planned way to describe efficiency of buildings that got cut - P.]

Hell’s River

“If you should find yourself in Hell, for gosh sakes, DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SWIM IN THE RIVERS!  Besides being dank, smelly, disease-infested, stagnant, and crawling with all sorts of unnamable serpents, they also tend to burst into flames at a moment’s notice.”
– “Hell on 30 Pennies a Day”
Perdition Press

A Rock Too Heavy To Lift

No one knows who created these rocks, or what they were thinking, but it’ll take someone a LOT more powerful than you to move them out of the way…

Undeveloped Astral Territory

This little section of the Afterlife is completely undeveloped.

A Frozen Bit of Hell

Once in a long while, little pieces of Hell freeze over.  No one’s sure why this happens, but many Demons attribute the phenomena to honest politicians, surprisingly strong dramatic performances by Madonna, and the occasional Rose Bowl appearances of Stanford and Northwestern.

Snowman in Hell!

When Hell freezes over, most of the snow can be removed with a quick little lightning bolt.  When Demons get it into their heads to build snowmen, though, there’s trouble afoot.  Snowmen in Hell just can’t be moved, no matter how hard you try; you’ll just have to wait until the next thaw.

Heaven’s Got The Blues

Even Heaven gets the Blues sometimes, causing an epidemic of rainy days and “Blue Flu.”  What’s the remedy?  Most Heavenly doctors advise staying indoors and waiting until the clouds go away.

A Road in Hell

They say that the Road to Hell is paved with good intentions.  Well, I don’t know who “they” are, but they’re dead wrong!  As you can see, the Road to Hell is paved with sticky, hot tar, mixed with broken glass and bone shards, which is a whole lot more painful than “good intentions.”

A Road in Heaven

Some would have you believe that the Roads in Heaven are paved with gold.  What a silly notion!  Gold, while amazingly ductile, is still too hard a surface for the soles of Heaven’s Blessed SOULs.  In (un)reality, the Roads of Heaven aren’t paved at all; they’re beautifully-landscaped DIRT roads, made from the most buoyant dirt in the cosmos.  The dirt is so nutrient-rich (how rich is it?) that each step a SOUL takes osmotically enriches the SOUL at nearly 100% efficiency, meaning that a SOUL’s soles never get tired

The Surfers of the Apocalypso

come if you fuck up terminally and deserve destruction.

Plague — Icko the Sicko

“And when I opened the first can of wax, I heard as it were the noise of thunder, one of the four surfers saying, ‘Hey, pull my finger!’
“And I saw, and behold a white board: and he that rode on it had a bow; and a crown was given unto him: and they really screwed up his surfing, but he cared not, for he was a sick jerk who made people ill just by looking at him.”

War — the Slashman

“And when I had opened the second can of wax, I heard a second surfer say, ‘Get the frag out of my way, butthead!’
“And there was another board that was red: and power was given to him that surfed it to take peace from the waves, and to split the curl with his mighty sword.”

Famine — Fatty the Calf

“And when he opened the third can of wax, I heard the third surfer say ‘Ya gonna eat those fries?’
And I beheld, and lo a black board; and he that surfed on it had a pair of balances in his one hand, and a double-bacon cheeseburger in the other.  And the third surfer went forth, mooching all the food there was.”

Death — the Big Kahuna

“And when I opened the fourth can of wax, I heard the voice of the fourth surfer say, ‘Death is, like, you know, just part of, like, the cosmic, like, dance, y’know?’
“And I looked, and behold a pale board: and his name that surfed on it was Death, and Hell and Heaven followed with him.  And he hacked throught the gnarliest waves without emotion or thought, for lo he was too stupid to live.”

Unlike Sim City, the buildings are not just R-C-I stuff, they’re rewards and punishments focusing on the seven deadly sins and their conjugate virtues and so to add flavour, the designers wrote or had written a bunch of descriptions for pretty much every building in the game. They are all present in one big data file that I PRESUME has some parsable structure to it and may also contain the graphics, but the descriptions are at least in it in plain text. Here, then, are all the descriptions I could find.

First:

Scegf0d and the Gift Structures

There are some gift structures you can build when the realms reach population targets; the descriptions for these tell the following Story of Scegf0d:

“SCEGF0D THE UNGRATEFUL ANGEL,” Chapter 1 – The Vista Enhancement Doohicky

A long time ago, in a celestial plane far, far away, there was an Angel named Scegf0d. Scegf0d was something of a misfit. While all of the other cherubim and seraphim were perfectly content with the wonders of Heaven, Scegf0d could (and would) find fault with anything.
“That sunset’s too red,” he’d whine.
“These bon-bons aren’t chocolatey enough,” he’d mope.
“This velvet cushion doesn’t quite fit the contours of my butt,” he’d moan.
Finally, he decided to do something about it. First, he built an enormous Vista Enhancement Doohicky, which made everything in Heaven within a ten mile radius look even more perfect than before.

The Powers That Be were impressed

“SCEGF0D THE UNGRATEFUL ANGEL,” Chapter 2 – The Audio Improving Embophone

Standing on the balcony of his Vista Enhancement Doohicky, the Angel Scegf0d was happier than he had been for hundreds of years.
“This is wonderful,” he said. “Everything, for as far as the eye can see, looks utterly perfect!”
Suddenly a chorus of harps broke into a beautiful jam session of hallelujiahs and hosannahs, each one infinitely more melodious and harmonious than any piece of music found in the world of the living. Scegf0d frowned.
“They’re slightly out of tune,” he whined. “I’ll have to do something about that.”
Weeks later, Scegf0d unveiled his Audio Improving Embophone, which had the ability to make every sound within a hundred mile radius bounce off the eardrums like a caress.

The Powers That Be arched their collective eyebrows.

“SCEGF0D THE UNGRATEFUL ANGEL,” Chapter 3 – The Heaven Scent Atomizer

Relaxing in the study of his Audio Improving Embophone, Scegf0d marveled at what he had wrought.
“Everything I see and hear is perfect,” he proclaimed to no one in particular. “Surely there is no place in Heaven as heavenly as this.”
Outside, a jillion flowers spontaneously bloomed, releasing a heady aroma evocative of all that is right with the Universe. Scegf0d furrowed his angelic brow.
“Not woody enough,” he snorted. “Don’t these seraphim know anything about nasal passages?”
Within a fortnight, Scegf0d had constructed the Heaven Scent Atomizer, a device capable of perfecting the aromas of everything within range of its powerful purple pumps.

The Powers That Be were slightly annoyed.

“SCEGF0D THE UNGRATEFUL ANGEL,” Chapter 4 – The Creamy Candy Castle

Strolling through the heady, nostalgic vapors produced by his Heaven Scent Atomizer, Scegf0d felt, for a fleeting millisecond, truly at one with the Cosmos.

“Gosh, everything smells great!” he intoned. Just then, a cherub toddled by with a hot dog cart.
“Make me one with everything,” Scegf0d laughed, tossing the Angel a Penny. The cherub complied, and Scegf0d took a bite of the most perfect chili dog ever created.
“This is horrible!” he screamed, spitting out the perfect morsels. “Action will have to be taken!”
Twenty-seven days later, the Creamy Candy Castle, a machine that could make any food taste absolutely perfect, was completed.

The Powers That Be sent Scegf0d a memo applauding his initiative, but warning him about his bad attitude.

“SCEGF0D THE UNGRATEFUL ANGEL,” the Final Chapter – The Fluffy Comfort Dispenser

High atop his Creamy Candy Castle, Scegf0d nibbled contemplatively on a screamingly perfect apple and conlcuded that he had, at long last, found eternal peace.
“Everything I see, hear, smell, and taste is PERFECT, he beamed. “Finally, I can settle down and ENJOY Heaven!”
Slowly, he lowered himself onto his throne, which was ergonomically designed by the finest chiropractors who ever lived, and covered in crushed velvet, to boot.
“It’s like sitting on broken glass,” he whined. “I guess my work ISN’T done yet.”
Within mere hours, Scegf0d was putting the finishing touches on his Fluffy Comfort Dispenser, which could magically enhance the tactile sensations of everything for miles around. As he tied off the last stitch, he was startled to find the Powers That Be standing right behind him.
They were not happy.
“If there’s anything we can’t tolerate in Heaven, it’s a whiner,” they said, and cast the Ungrateful Angel into Hell.

“SCEGF0D THE UNGRATEFUL DEMON,” Chapter 1 – The Ugliness Engine

Being kicked out of Heaven had done nothing for Scegf0d’s attitude problem.
“Hell? Don’t make me laugh,” he roared. “Why, this is a veritable walk in the park compared to Heaven.”
As he spoke, phantasms of thirty-three unspeakable tableaus wafted into view. Within seconds, a horrible crunching noise began to be heard, as thousands of Damned SOULs dug out their own eyeballs rather than witness the horrible visions.
“You call that a phantasm?” Scegf0d mocked. “Good grief, I’ve seen worse things in a Pauly Shore movie! You want scary, I’LL give you scary!”
A month later, Scegf0d cut the ribbon on the Ugliness Engine, an infernal machine that made everything around it really, really bad for the eyes.

The Powers That Be shook their collective head. “Here we go again.”

“SCEGF0D THE UNGRATEFUL DEMON,” Chapter 2 – The Crinkly Cacophony Contrivance

As vile, trauma-inducing visions flickered from the depths of his Ugliness Engine, Scegf0d knew no satisfaction.
“Oh, sure,” he mused, “Hell LOOKS awful, but it’s still not very spooky.”
As he frowned, thirteen dozen banshees appeared out of nowhere, loaded for bear. They screeched, yelled, and occasionally whispered the cruelest of songs directly into Scegf0d’s defenseless eardrums. The Damned covered their bleeding ears and went “la-la-la-la-la” to no avail.
“That’s a perfect example,” sighed Scegf0d, as the banshees flew off in disgust. “The music down here is no worse than your average Michael Bolton concert. Maybe I can fix that…”
By suppertime, Scegf0d had cobbled together the very first Crinkly Cacophony Contrivance, a colossal anti-musical instrument that could make even the subtlest of sounds hit the eardrums like nails on a chalkboard.

The Powers That Be took a long lunch to discuss strategies.

“SCEGF0D THE UNGRATEFUL DEMON,” Chapter 3 – The Flabbergasting Flatulence Ol-Factory

The screaming and moaning of the Damned did little to brighten Scegf0d’s mood as he stood in the throne room of his Crinkly Cacophony Contrivance.
“They SEEM to be suffering,” he thought, “but how can anyone really suffer in a Hell as pleasant as this?”
As if in answer to his unvoiced question, a cadre of kilometer-tall Archdemons strode onto the scene, squashing all within their path. They sat next to Scegf0d’s structures, and began to eat house-sized burritos. These were no ordinary burritos, no sir…these burritos were packed with diseased, long-dead animals and other icky stuff of that ilk. When they were done with their burritos, the Archdemons let out a burst of flatulence so mighty that several nearby buildings melted into a puddle of goo.
“I’ve had shopping mall salesgirls assault me with worse odors,” scoffed Scegf0d. “If you want something stinky, check this out!”
Working quickly, Scegf0d soon patched together the Flabbergasting Flatulence Ol-Factory, capable of making the sweetest rose smell like a dead skunk.

The Powers That Be realized what needed to be done.

“SCEGF0D THE UNGRATEFUL DEMON,” Chapter 4 – The Wellspring of Unsavoriness

As you might expect, Scegf0d still wasn’t all that impressed with the punitive measures of Hell.
“I’m still not impressed,” he said.
For no reason in particular the chow bell suddenly rang out. Throughout Hell, Demons stopped what they were doing just long enough to cram white-hot shards of glass covered in donkey offal down the throats of the Damned.
Scegf0d yawned. “I’ve had worse meals at (insert name of truly disgusting fast-food franchise here). I bet I could cook up something far worse.”
Cracking his knuckles, Scegf0d got to work, and quickly brewed up the Wellspring of Unsavoriness, a twisted cauldron that caused all foodstuffs within its influence to be totally inedible.

The Powers That Be prepared to make their move.

“SCEGF0D THE UNGRATEFUL DEMON,” the Final Chapter – The Tactile Degradation Gizmo

As Scegf0d looked out over the screaming, exploding, vomiting masses, he felt no joy.
“Doesn’t it get any worse?” he moaned.
Suddenly, a thousand barbed chains appeared out of nowhere, and hooked themselves into Scegf0d’s demonic flesh. With a sudden yank, they pulled 95.3% of the skin off of his body, leaving his innards exposed to the sulphurous air. Before he could fully react, a million little crimson lightning bolts began to strike at each and every exposed nerve ending, sending him into paroxyms of pain. “Not bad,” he winced, “but have you ever tried to sleep on a motel hide-a-bed?”
So, you guessed it, Scegf0d went about building ANOTHER machine. When he was finished building the Tactile Degradation Gizmo, the Powers That Be showed up at his doorstep.
They were happy, but in a nasty kinda of way.
“You are the single biggest schmuck in all of Creation,” they glowered. “You have found no joy in Heaven, and have known no pain in Hell. We are left with no choice but to reincarnate you –”
“Great!” said Scegf0d.
“– as a rock. As the universe’s only sentient rock, you will be unable to to see, hear, smell, taste, or feel. You will be a thing of pure thought, unable to experience anything but your own, ever-increasing dementia.”
“But –” gulped Scegf0d, frantically.
“Have a nice day,” said the Powers That Be as they snapped their all-powerful fingers.

The Moral Of The Story Is: Nobody likes a whiner.

It is written on a few sheets of thick A3 paper actually bound together with staples, so it is possible it is some comic-making thing I got for Christmas 1995, which would make the author eight.

Read, then, a forgotten classic of the last, lost century: THE CASE OF THE MISSING BONE, Solved by Shurlock Bones.

A special edition, indeed. Actually, fair warning, the whole detective/mystery thing is a sham. It is actually an animal fable [a stuffed animal fable] about dehumanisation in the postmodern world. Notice there is no author mentioned on the cover, nor in any other page.

PANEL 1

[Our heroes are standing in front of a stone wall, conversing]

Shurlock B: DR ROGER
Shurlock B: Have you found the bones yet
Dr R: NO, I HAVENT shurlock bones

PANEL 2

[A Drill descends from the ceiling with a RRR noise]

Shurlock B: what is it
Dr R: I dont know?

PANEL 3

[The Drill is revealed to be a Vehicle of some sort]

Mysterious Occupant of the Vehicle: I squash everybody

PANEL 4

[Our heroes are squashed into the ground, forming hideous caricatures of themselves]

PANEL 5

[Our heroes are being drawn upwards, making a curdling "Schhh! Schhh" sound. Shurlock is illuminated by radiation and Dr. Roger's stretched tongue lolls about obscenely]

Shurlock B: HeeelP!
Dr R (distorted): HLLLP

PANEL 6

[A closeup shot of Shurlock B's face, monocle clearly visible]

Shurlock B: where are we am I?

PANEL 7

[The frame becomes an unearthly Octagon. An Alien with a grotesque green body, matte black face and fluorescent yellow wings takes up the whole of this shot and is reclined (?) on an alien Chair]

Alien: @⋄⊛@
[as translated, but cut off at the bottom: Who are you?]

PANEL 8

[An exterior shot of our heroes' abode. Caption: "meanwhile on Earth"]

PANEL 1

[The image of the previous panel is transformed into a Hellscape. The sky is red with darkling clouds hanging in the sky. The castle is split in twain by an Energy Bolt and the tree is a ghastly pink]

PANEL 2

[The panel is a starbust, showing Dr. Roger of the obscene tongue being drawn up by a tractor beam.

PANELS 3-6

[All octagonal. They portray a humanoid figure bathed in yellow light against an orange background. In the first two panels we hear a voice crying "Bones", with the humanoid giving the response "@*@" in the second. In the third, the yellow light takes the form of angel's wings and in the final, it is clear we have been viewing a metamorphosis that is almost complete -- the humanoid... we must assume that it is Shurlock... is rapidly becoming an Alien.

PANEL 1

[The metamorphosis is complete. Shurlock is now identical to the Alien that drew our heroes there.]

PANEL 2

[Establishing shot of the alien craft. It is a black cuboid, hovering lengthwise over the surface of the desolate Earth. From it, we hear alien words "6X66+"]

PANEL 3

[The cuboid has become a rocket, launching from the Earth into Space. Mars, Jupiter and a translucent Saturn are clearly visible]

PANEL 4

[On the surface of another world. The above planets plus the Earth are visible, lined up in the sky. Two house-shaped black structures as well as two green blobs are visible on the surface]

Voice 1: where are we
Voice 2: [unintelligible]

PANEL 5

[Dr. Roger is stood in front of one of the structures. It appears he too has undergone a transformation. He is similar to Shurlock, except his wings are blue and his tongue continues to hang loose.]

Dr. R: BONES
Shurlock B: ROGER

PANEL 6

[Our heroes both together]
Both: Hiya

This page is rather heavy on exposition. The large panel is the same as the previous one, except the sky is red, there is a laser device in the middle of the panel, and the Earth hangs in the top left of the image in a black-and-red state]

Dr R: I’ve looked at the EARTH AND THE LAND IS BLACK AND THE SEA IS RED WHY?
Shurlock: THE ALIENS
Dr R: HAVE YOU FOUND OUT WHO’S GOT THE BONES?
Shurlock: The Aliens! AT LAST WE FOUND WHO STOLE THEM

Left Panel

[The laser device is shown in a cutaway form. Caption: THE BONES ARE GUARDED BY A LASER]

Right Panel

[Caption: THE ALIENS KNOWN AS BLISULITES HAVE FOUND WHEN BOTH THE BONES ARE PUT TOGETHER THEY ARE LIKE A BATTERY. THEY ARE USING THEM TO POWER THE LASER WHICH THEY ARE GO- -ING TO DESTROY THE EARTH!!]

Panel 1

[Closeup on the laser device]

Laser: 10 MINUTES TO DESTROUI [...] EARTH!
Dr. R: HERE THEY ARE

Panel 2

[Dr R. stands beside the device, which has been deactivated. The metamorphosis has been reversed and he is once again an Old English Sheepdog. His tongue still dangles offensively]

Panel 3

[Shurlock enters the scene. It is clear that although he too has been reversed, both dogs retain their alien wings]

Shurlock B: Were safe EARTH ISNT DESTROYED

Panel 4

[The floor has turned black and the Earth is turning blue and green again]

Dr. R: THE EARTH IS BACK TO NORMAL
Shurlock: THE STAR IS A BLACK DWARF

[I take this panel to mean that the laser is on a star that has been brought to the Solar System]

Top panel

[The castle is rebuilt, good as new and with a blue tinge. Caption: BACK ON EARTH]

Bottom panel

[Our heroes are standing together, transformed by their experiences, but cheerfully declaring:]

Both: IT’S GOOD TO BE HOME!

The final page of this story also warns us that “THEIR IS MORE BONES LATER!” On the next page, in fact…

This is a briefer story and is really:

a) a fillip after the main feature and
b) a way to wreck more mutation on our heroes

PANEL 1

[The story begins with another rumble in the hall of the castle]

Shurlock B: DRAT! AN EARTHquake

PANEL 2

[Another drilling rig descends from above]

Dr R: IT’S FLOPY EARS!

PANEL 3

[Our heroes are startled as a pair of glasses falls from the rig]

PANEL4

[Exposition: DR. Roger puts them on and finds out that they are X-ray glasses.]

PANEL 5

[A circular panel, displaying a skeletal form as in an X-ray]

Dr. R: ahhhh
Dr. R: ahh here it is!

PANEL 6

[A more mystical, orange circular panel, showing the drill rig again, this time next to a giant, yet invisible, yellow crystal]

Dr. R: what’s that red thing shurlock?
Dr. R: Its tuned properly now

PANEL 1

Flopy Ears: aha nobody will get me now. because i have drunk Invisi-Juice!

PANEL 2

[A bottle of said Invisi-juice appears, labelled "DRINK ME", which is fountaining off into nowhere. Our Heroes are presumably drinking it.]

PANEL 3

Flopy Ears[?]: heeeeeeeeeeeelp!

PANEL 4

[The panel is a starburst, and is presumably in the Plane of Invisibility. Dr R. is visible, his head having been transformed into a star shape to go with his protruding tongue]

PANEL 5

[Having been caught out, Flopy Ears decides to run away, and the drill retracts. Dr. R. has reappeared]

Flopy Ears: I’m leaving

PANEL 6:

[Sherlock B has reappeared, but his face too has become sideroform]

Both: BYE

And that is pretty much the whole comic. Except there is a Puzzle Page and a reverse with a punishing production schedule: