INTÉGRALE, LONGUEUR, AIRE

Avarice

Zoned for Avarice

Everyone wants more Avarice Punishments…you’ll just have to wait until this one evolves.

Jerky City

This mildest of punishments for Avaricious SOULs teaches them a grotesque lesson about greed.  The Demons in these cities have rigged it (don’t ask me how) so that everything a SOUL touches turns into processed meats.  It’s sort of a Midas touch gone horribly, horribly wrong.  The most valued items in the cities are those that no one has touched, but the greedy natures of the Damned eventually get the better of them, so nothing stays de-meated for very long.  All in all, it’s a pretty pathetic sight, and with the constant oppressive heat, these places stink to high Heaven, too.

Bingoslypertukaw!

Bingoslypertukaw is sorta like Bingo, except that:
1)  There’re 15 columns.
2)  There’re 23 billion numbers.
3)  The only way to mark your cards is with bodily fluids.
4)  There isn’t a board that keeps track of what’s been called, and if you mess up, they’ll cut off a limb.

But the prizes are really neat.  And sometimes, they give away a “Get Out Of Hell Free” card.

Booty Island

When the Avaricious Damned are dropped off on these lush, tropical islands, they’re given a cutlass and a shovel, and told that somewhere on the island there’s a “Treasure Beyond All Imagining.”  If they could overcome their greedy natures, these damned SOULs could probably lead a rather pleasant afterlife amongst the luscious flora and fauna.  Tragically, their greed inevitably gets the better of them, and they soon become treasure-huntin’, swashbucklin’ pirates, just like the other poor SOULs…

Trick or Treat

In this peculiar punishment, the Avaricious Damned are forced to dress in goofy-looking costumes and wander down dark, suburban streets, begging for food.  If they’re lucky enough to get a “treat,” it’ll undoubtedly be spiked with razor blades or ebola viruses.  When, however, they stumble upon houses that prefer “tricks,” they’re met by a shower of boiling oil, or the ever-popular chainsaw-to-the-face gag.  Why do they go on?  Partly because of the whip-cracking Demons, no doubt, but also because there’s a rumor that one house, somewhere, is giving out “Get Out of Hell Free” cards.

The Wrong Side of the Tracks

Even Hell has the proverbial “Bad Side of Town,” where even Demons fear to tread after dark.  Life is pretty cheap on these mean streets, and afterlife even cheaper.  The Avaricious SOULs trapped in these urban cesspools eventually turn to a life of brutal crime, hoping to make the “Big Score” that’ll buy their way out of the ‘hood.  But that score never comes…ever.

You Bet Your Afterlife

In Heaven, game shows are cerebral, fun, and played for fantabulous prizes that are given away to charity.
In Hell, game shows are inane, degrading, rigged, disturbingly preoccupied with entry wounds, and no one ever wins the Big Prize (a “Get Out of Hell Free” card).

Shock Market

The sounds most definitively associated with the Shock Market Towers of Hell are the constant gentle tipperings of the ticker-tape, punctuated every few seconds by the scream-splat of another Damned broker hurtling himself from the rail-less balconies on the 58th floor.  Of course, the Damned don’t die when they hit bottom, they just hurt a lot.  Then they can start all over, greedily trying to amass a “fortune” so that they can “buy their way out” of Hell.  Naturally, that trick never works.

Carousels of Greed

The Avaricious Damned condemned to spend eternity in these monstrous merry-go-rounds are led to believe that their freedom lies in the collection of brass rings that dangle tantalizingly out of reach along the circumference of the ride.  Unfortunately, these capricious carousels differ from the run-of-the-mill variety in several important ways.  First of all, the ride is spinning at about 200 kilometers per hour, and is given to sudden, bone-shattering stoppages.  Secondly, even if a SOUL does manage to get his fingers on a brass ring, they’re covered with acid.  Thirdly (and this is the most important part), the animals on these merry-go-rounds are real, carnivorous, and not at all happy about having a pole stuck up their backs.

Seizure’s Palace

The casinos in Hell cheat (well, duh), driving the Avaricious Damned to the brink of ultimate winnings before crashing them into near bankruptcy, over and over again.  At least they’ve got a nice breakfast buffet…

Scavenger Hunt

Hell produces one heck of a lot of garbage.  Fortunately (or unfortunately, depending upon your point of view), the Demons have put all that waste to good use, via the nefarious Scavenger Hunts.
Here’s how it works: the Avaricious Damned are unceremoniously dumped into mammoth bins of garbage, and are given a list of items to procure.  They’re told that if they find the items, they’ll be let out of Hell.  Sounds pretty easy, right?  Oh yeah, I forgot: their hands are tied behind their backs, so they have to chew their way through the garbage.

DisCorp

Nothing brings out the worst in people like a neverending round of office politics, which is why DisCorp is the ultimate punishment for Avaricious SOULs.  The damned all start in the DisCorp mail room, then spend thousands of years backstabbing, buttkissing, and sleeping their way to a cozy vice-presidential position, only to be demoted back to the mail room by DisCorp’s capriciously whimsical Demon CEO.

 

Charity

Zoned for Charity

With luck, this bit of real estate will soon evolve into an out-and-out Charity Reward.

You Are Already A Winner

The most insignificant of Rewards for Charitable SOULs turns them into instant winners of fabulous prizes, which are spread out over an infinite-year period.  Best of all, the prizes AREN’T presented by some cheesy second-banana entertainer.

Lost and Found

One of the curses of mortality is that we are forever losing things.  Money, marbles, sanity, innocence…it all seems to get misplaced over the years.  In Heaven, Charitable SOULs can find everything they’ve ever lost just by looking for it… under a seat cushion, or behind a desk, or buried out in the backyard.  It’s all there, waiting to be found.

The Good Space

In Heaven, just like on television, you can always find a good parking space with plenty of time left on the meter.

The Incredibly Lost Episodes

In Heaven, there’re all-new episodes of all your favorite television shows, forever.  No one’s quite sure how this got to be a reward for Charitable SOULs, but who can second-guess the Powers That Be?

Spinner of Incredibly Good Fortune

The Spinner of Incredibly Good Fortune is Heaven’s game show, where Charitable SOULs try to win spectacular, non-sucky prizes for their favorite charities.  Thanks to the wonder of HeavenTech, everyone goes home a winner, and no one is stuck with the crappy home version of the game.

Flea Market

Every day, the Charitable Blessed can find surprisingly useful and inexpensive knick-knacks and curios at these sprawling flea markets…rumor has it that tattered copies of the Secret of Life have been found amongst the millions of card tables, boxes, and pickup trucks lining the aisles of these complexes…

SOULs Finding Secret Of Life
Tables Without A Sale

Land of the Lost Toys

Every beloved toy you’ve ever lost can be found here, along with every toy you ever wanted, but couldn’t have.  You’d be surprised how long a SOUL can play with toys without getting bored…

Proustian Recollections Triggered
Disputes Over Sharing

The Bazaar

The Bazaars of Heaven are a shopper’s paradise.  Under the jillions of open-air tents, the Blessed can find everything from sun-dried manna to blind Angels who’ll tell them one of the many secrets of the Universe.

New Shops Per Week
Sore Feet

Happy Birthday!

It’s a sad fact of life that most of us don’t get our fair allotment of five-star, over-the-top, utterly decadent birthday parties.  In Heaven, this inequity is rectified in the Happy Birthday! zones, where (as you’ve probably guessed) it’s always someone’s birthday, and everyone’s invited.

The Final Piece Convention

Most collector’s conventions have the same old stuff for the same high prices that you’ve seen a hundred times before.  At the Final Piece Conventions (which are held in sumptuous and economically-priced hotels) though, a Charitable SOUL can always find that last card, comic, doll, or trinket that will make his collection complete; and he’ll always be able to get it for a reasonable price.

Different Conventions Held Last Week
Autogrpah Mob Scenes Last Year

Casino Royale

The Afterlife Gaming Commission has certified that the Casino Royale has the loosest slots in the known universe, but that’s not the only reason that Charitable SOULs think so highly of these upscale hotels.  There’s also a scrumptious breakfast buffet and a neverending floor show that has to be seen to be believed.

Jackpots per Night
Unusually Long Unlucky Streaks

Ascetic Mountains

The ultimate Rewards for Charitable SOULs are the Ascetic Mountains.  Here, unburdened by the weight of worldy possessions, a SOUL can blissfully spend eternity contemplating the mysteries of the universe.