INTÉGRALE, LONGUEUR, AIRE

Gates

Heaven’s Gate — Dante Class

The least expensive of Heaven’s Gates is also the quaintest.  In blatant defiance of modern technology, the angelic staffs of these antiquated portals meticulously go over each SOUL’s record BY HAND before allowing them entrance into Heaven.  This personal touch greatly enhances the charm of Heaven, but is terribly inefficient, which is why these Gates can only process 2,000 SOULs a year.

Heaven’s Gate — Pearl Class

Most of Heaven’s Gates are Pearl Class Gates, capable of processing 20,000 SOULs a year.  As in olden times, each SOUL is still attended to by his own personal caseworker, but the Angels at these Gates are equipped with powerful laptop computers, which speed up the virtue-tallying process by a factor of ten.

Heaven’s Gate — Throne Class

The Throne Class Gates are weird, even by Afterlife standards.  When SOULs arrive at these dizzy doorways, cheerful Angels coax them into removing their footware.  Then, the barefoot SOULs are encouraged to take  leisurely walks on the shag carpeting that covers the floor of the Gate’s waiting area.  As the SOULs walk, the Angels begin silently sorting them, like sheepdogs.  Within minutes, hundreds of SOULs are prepped for their Heavenly experience, and the Gate opens.

Of course, it’s not really that simple.  The Gate’s “shag carpeting” is really a sophisticated neuro-empathic probe, capable of reading the warp and woof of a SOUL’s life merely by probing the bottoms of its feet.  That’s right, it’s a “Sole Reader.”

Now that you’re done moaning (unless you’re playing this in a foreign language, and didn’t get the pun), it should be mentioned that Throne Class Gates, though rather eccentric, are undeniably effective.  In a pinch, they can process 200,000 SOULs a year, a darned impressive feet…er…feat.

Heaven’s Gate — Prophecy Class

Prophecy Class Gates sit on the cutting edge of SOUL processing technology, churning out a whopping 2,000,000 SOULs per annum.  This is accomplished via handheld DNA scanners, which are in constant communication with Heaven’s central database.  All an Angel has to do is wave the scanner over the head of a newly-arrived SOUL, and within seconds a fully-itemized list of that SOUL’s virtues and suggested Rewards will pop up on the viewscreen.

Hell’s Gate — Milton Class

Demons are a stubborn lot.  Although recent technological advances have made it possible to process up to 2 million SOULs a year through one infernal Gate, many Demons still prefer these intimate Milton Class Gates.  When SOULs arrive at these Gates, they’re instantly set upon by a demonic caseworker, who tallies their individual sins BY HAND before kicking the SOUL through the Gate.  Such individual attention adds immeasurably to the torments of Hell, but is horribly inefficient, which is why the Milton Class Gates can only process 2,000 SOULs a year.

Hell’s Gate — Belial Class

The most common Gate found in Hell is the Belial Class Gate, which can process 20,000 SOULs a year when pushed.  Famous for the pithy slogans inscribed on their arches (“Abandon All Hope Ye Who Enter Here,” “Today Is The First Day Of The Rest Of Your Afterlife,” “Have A Nice Day,” etc.), the Demons of these Gates utilize a big ol’ mainframe computer to tally the sins of hundreds of SOULs simultaneously.

Hell’s Gate — Obsidian Class

The Obsidian Class Gates are Hell’s first attempt at “hi-tech” SOUL processing.  The Demons who work these dank doorways claim that an ultra-top secret “Retinal Scanning Process” allows them to use a SOUL’s own eyeballs to judge its fate.

Sadly, the advanced “Retinal Scanning Process” is merely a euphamism for “one Demon holds the SOUL down while another Demon pokes it in the eye with a pointy stick.”  Still, they DO manage to process up to 200,000 SOULs a year in these infernal antechambers, so they must be doing SOMETHING right.

Hell’s Gate — Apocalypse Class

The Apocalypse Class Gates are the most streamlined Gates Hell has to offer.  Arriving SOULs are placed on a conveyor belt and run through a series of scanners, much like those one finds in an airport.  Once their sins have been scanned like so much emotional baggage, a Demon at the end of the line reads their reports and sends them on their wailing way.  With the belts cranked up at full speed, these babies can process up to 2,000,000 SOULs a year.

Karma Stations

Karma Portals

No one knows how SOULs first discovered that travelling into the unpredictable energies of the Karma Portals caused them to be reincarnated.  Perhaps it was the overzealous Demon,  throwing a Damned SOUL into the purplish energies in the hopes of inventing some new form of torture.  Maybe it was an inquisitive Angel, trying to bring more joy to a Blessed SOUL.  In any event, once the SOULs began to realize that reincarnation WAS a possibility, the worms were effectively out of the can.  Ever since that day, Demons and Angels have struggled to transport SOULs to these transdimensional doorways, with varying degrees of success.

SOUL Mover Karma Station

In the olden days, reincarnation was a tricky matter.  SOULs who wanted to reincarnate out of Heaven were scooped up by angels, flown down to Karma Portals, and chucked into their swirling nexii of transdimensional energies.  As eternity dragged on, the flaws of this system became painfully evident.  For one thing, larger Heavens required legions of Angels to keep up with reincarnation demands.  Even worse, the volatile energies of the Karma Portals would occasionally swallow up the Angels along with the SOULs, causing all kinds of paperwork problems.  Eventually, a supremely fed-up batch of Angels and Demons got together and devised a modular, expandable mass transport system capable of carrying large numbers of SOULs to Karma Portals without putting Angels or Demons at risk.  The first vehicles to travel along these “Karma Tracks” were dubbed “SOUL Movers,” and were hailed by the Powers That Be as a “miracle of modern technology.”

Magic Bus Karma Station

SOUL Movers may have been a “miracle of modern technology” when originally introduced, but they’re downright quaint by today’s standards of reincarnation transportation.  Magic Busses, a familiar sight for the past couple eons, are capable of travelling twice as fast, while holding five times as many SOULs, as a typical SOUL Mover tram.  And with their distinctive, double-decker style, they’re not half the eyesore of those crusty old trams, either.

Omnirail Karma Station

The latest breakthrough in reincarnation transportation technology is the development of the “Omnirail,” a bullet train capable of moving at nigh-infinite speeds while carrying thousands of SOULs.  Sure, they make an obnoxious honking sound every now and then, but that’s the price we pay for progress, no?

Karma Track Anchor (Heaven)

Karma Track is pretty interesting stuff.  Capable of carrying the various trams, busses and trains that speed reincarnating SOULs towards Karma Portals, it nevertheless floats serenely between Heaven and Hell, seemingly unaffected by the emotional gravity of either realm.
Of course, a lot of effort goes into keeping this particular miracle afloat.  Each length of Karma Track laid down requires a Karma Track Anchor like this one at each corner.  These anchors project Bad Vibes down to the supported track, keeping it from floating  up to Heaven, as it normally would.

Karma Track Anchor (Hell)

Karma Track is pretty interesting stuff.  Capable of carrying the various trams, busses and trains that speed reincarnating SOULs towards Karma Portals, it nevertheless floats serenely between Heaven and Hell, seemingly unaffected by the emotional gravity of either realm.
Of course, a lot of effort goes into keeping this particular miracle afloat.  Each length of Karma Track laid down requires a Karma Track Anchor like this one at each corner.  These anchors project Good Vibes up to the supported track, keeping it from crashing down to Hell, as it normally would.